Relationship is about all of life: the good, the unexpected and the ugly. When you get to those sticky times in relationship — Brendon (my enjoyable other) and I have them as well — it’s about asking what can I be or do different to change this? Questions should be your operative state in relationship. A real question will defuse the trauma, drama, and the need to be right in any situation so that you can make a different choice.
When I first met Brendon I was living in a two-bedroom apartment on the Sunshine Coast of Australia, and his son was then 5 years old. The weeks went by and having a five-year-old kid camping out in my office room got to me one day. I remember thinking, I didn’t sign up for a five-year-old!
One of the tools I talk about in my Joy of Business seminars is, every time you see a problem, flip it around and ask yourself, what possibilities are available here? You can do that with your relationship too! Every time you think there’s a problem, instead of looking at it as a problem ask: what possibilities are available here? For Brendon and myself, we ended up moving house, he brought along a dog as well, and we all are more joyful than ever!
Money in relationship
As my life with Brendon grew, we had added expenses. I’ve got to say that ease with money doesn’t happen overnight. You’ve got to make it happen. My suggestion is, get clear on your financial reality. One of the tools for that is to get together and write down every single expense you have. Not just the basics either, include fun things too.
You’ve also got to look at what you require with money and what your partner requires. I love having my 10% account and Brendon has his; we don’t have a shared account. (For those who haven’t heard about it, the 10% account is where you put 10 cents out of every single dollar you earn as an honoring of you. It’s not for a rainy day. In fact you don’t ever spend it. It’s about learning to have money; and it’s one of the tools that got me out of debt.)
The other thing that works for me is having lots of cash on hand and in my purse or wallet. I feel more creative when I have lots of cash; it makes me happy. In relationship when you have a commitment to each other based on choice — not necessity — you can start to look at how to expand your life together.
Some time ago Brendon and I decided to buy a house. I freaked out because I’d decided it meant we had to be together for 50 years. Brendon’s attitude was, “It’s just a house, we can always sell it.”
Look at what you’ve been unwilling to invest in because you think it means being with someone for the next 50 years or whatever it’s for you. What if that investment were a business deal?
Give your man space
Brendon and I were recently on a long car trip and it was very clear that he was unhappy about something. When Brendon has an upset he knows I’m available, but I don’t try to solve his problems. Ladies, give your man space. Most men process things very differently to women. They don’t need to talk things through as much. This car trip was two-and-a-half hours and we didn’t speak for ages. I had my laptop and did my thing. We just allowed that space to be and to change and not make anyone wrong. That is so important.
Relationship is not about getting it right or living happily ever after. I travelled a lot and never needed a relationship. What Brendon has shown me is that a relationship can add to your life and contribute to you both creating more in the world. It’s not 1+1=2. It’s more like 1+1=1 million possibilities!